sometimes I think about going back to school, but then I remember that's the devil talking because I hated being in school 💀
if there's one thing that annoys me the most, it's a burst of inspiration before bed. where'd you come from, I'm tryna sleep
i really wanna get back into doing art studies/anatomy practice. i feel like when the body looks off (when i care) it makes me frustrated that its not up to the potential i want it to be...
add it to the list of things i wanna/gotta do 😭
I'm hoping with guide creative I can make an experience for folks who just wanna make things, without the underlying push to monetize it. I feel like whenever I go to look up something, there's always a 'for your business' 'to strengthen your brand' type of thing... and I don't want that! I just want to make things and learn how to make them for the purpose of personal use.
looks at artist's art wow I wanna draw like that
looks at another artist's art wow I wanna draw like that
looks at another artist's art wow I wanna draw—
re: last
I think that's why I like the ssum so much, because it feels more casual (even if there are parts that are more fantasy-esque)
sometimes it's hard to for me to think about being in a (real) relationship 🤔
i think about aspects of it, but i feel like they're always idealized from movies and stuff...
ive had 'situations' with people, but they never really felt like real romantic relationships... ┐(´ー｀)┌
ever so often I'll get the feeling of sonder again and then I'm like... wow. these are people... just like me.
its a crazy feeling.
i talked to dan about job stuffs :) he helped me sort it out. best friend best friend...( ꈍᴗꈍ)
i always get so demoralized and depressed when i look up job stuff... i wish we lived in a society where we could actually have proper care and maybe a ubi from the government... im exhausted thinking about the prospect of another job :< I'm worried it'll be too demanding and make me depressed
i think I wanna spend some time offline for a bit 🤔 or at least diminish my time even more, and do some offline related adventures :)
I'm definitely in a place where I think social media is making it hard for me again
every time I see someone say they're from new jersey:
NEW JERSEY MENTION!!!
and then I defend them with my life
i want people to read my comic and get excited about the characters like they do their blorbos :) maybe write a character analysis post or smth
me wanting to make a fun resolution but also not wanting to feel pressured to have fun 🫡
i hope i can make things that make me happy next year :)
wanna watch a muppet christmas carol but we're protesting because they support israel :/ hate them for that
one day I wanna make something that garners a lot of hype for release... but at the same time, I know I don't need that to feel like I've succeeded in setting out to what I wanted to do.
I don't think I'm the only one in the world who wishes more people cared about the things that I make! but I also know that even if it's just me and my friends being enthusiastic about it, that's all I need. hell, if I'm the only one that's enthusiastic about it, that's a score. because I tend to make these things with the enthusiasm of accomplishing then over anything else.
it does make me wanna hold things closer to my chest though, because I don't want the overpowering feeling of me wanting a scale of attention on my work to effect how it gets made or how I decide to make it...
I wanna pick up a new anime.
maybe I should finish one of the shows I started first... 💀
hmmmm. maybe it's inspiration fatigue. yeah I think that's what it is (being inspired by too many things at once and then crashing at all the ideas I have because of it)
I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in my head the past few days, I honestly don't know how to describe them... it's not bad, but I feel like I'm searching for the right thoughts to say about it. I can't quite describe the processing that's going through my brain at the moment...
I guess I could just let it be and not worry about it, but I really wanna collect my thoughts. ( ･ั﹏･ั)
I kinda wanna make the reboot of justice avenue a yotsuba&! esque endeavor instead of random one-off comics...
i mean, it'd still be funny slice of life comics, but a bit more structure ig? idk. I need the stability I think
I can still make those comics— they just wouldn't logistically be a part of the mainline comic!
I think I'm gonna spend a lot of time in 2024 experiencing the in between moments, the process, the journey. I've prioritized the end goal, the finish line, the complete product for too long. will the end goal have been worth it if neglected the journey that got me there?
I think this is probably a step in me taking even more of a back step away from social media, and just spending time creating, not really worrying about when the end product will be done, IF it'll be done. I enjoy drawing it as much as I enjoy seeing it finished. sitting on social media makes me feel guilty I have nothing to show, and that sucks.
trying to analyze my desperation with finding videos talking about the shift in culture. I don't know why. maybe i'm just hungry to hear that people feel the way i do. maybe I want to find a better solution for myself. maybe I'm trying to reassure myself that it's okay.
this week has been so weird mentally... idk what's going on
I at least completed some tasks, but man...
thinking of buying stardew valley a fourth time on gog.... only because gog is drm free and steam isn't 🫡
i get lonely easily these days it seems ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა
kinda thinking about how some people fall into their dream job or their career... I do wonder what that is for me...
i suppose I won't be able to find out unless I try something new o7 I just don't know where to start
I could have been someone like eiichiro oda who just makes one piece for the rest of my life 😔
reading manga again has really just. made me wanna live. and live in a way that I enjoy, and be creative but not stress about it. the complete opposite I used to indulge in. it's no wonder I didn't watch anime or read manga when I was a workaholic, it would have pulled me out of it ( ･ั﹏･ั)
thinking about how I was watching a lecture and how important it is to not Just be working on your comic/project/etc, but also spending time promoting or doing other things, combined with the fact that the mangaka for yotsuba&! only ever makes chapters when he feels like it/puts it down to tend to other things in his life really hits after being a grinding workaholic
some of this stuff I knew, but reminding is key and practice is another all together!
I definitely don't wanna stress over my comics anymore, y'know :0!
I'd be satisfied if i only worked on one comic the rest of my life but unfortunately I am plagued with IDEAS....
so I have to think of a sustainable way to finish these projects without. dying 💀
hirayasumi also really makes me wanna draw comics. my energy levels 😔...
hirayasumi really makes me think about my goals and think about what i want to do to further my life. i haven't figured it out, and that's okay, but i also know that i don't have to figure it out just to live.
life is so confusing and hard, but lovely, and worth living, that i want to be comfortable and safe, but do my part so others can be that as well.
my fatigue is still very strong, and so i can't do but so much, but i can try. i can try.
re ajr album:
idk how they do it, but somehow they always manage to capture the experience of a person struggling to... be a person. and wanting to know what that means, and if they're doing it right, and wanting to do it right. and not wanting to care but caring so MUCH about it. they wanna be a kid but they also want to grow up but it's so scary and so exciting and nerve-wracking and... UGH...
ajr is my favorite band.
the ajr experience is singing the lyrics and choking back TEARS.
GOD i listened to this album at least 4 times now and reading over the lyrics im actually fighting for my life with emotions
yooo new ajr album is SUPER good. i listened through the whole thing twice on repeat 🫡
the vibe is different from their previous album, i don't know how to describe it! but a lot of the songs carry a similar vibe.
i was worried that the songs i knew already (that were released as singles) were going to be stale in the album, but that wasn't the case! they fit so neatly in their spot on the tracklist that I forgot they were singles entirely!
audiobooks are included in spotify premium now... 👀 tempting!!!
finally started reading hirayasumi :) its nice so far!
makes me wanna draw comics
I laid around for the whole morning ( ╹▽╹ ) time to get up and take a shower!
and then like. eat LMAO
i say this all the time, but I really wanna be more unapologetically myself when it comes to my craft online. i dont want to be discouraged from making the art or projects i wanna make because of the algorithm or because its too self indulgent. its a lot of conditioning from being in the internet for over 10 years, but, i really wanna do this for myself to have a healthier relationship with myself and how i distribute the media i make.
i often feel embarrassed, because im kinda finally falling back into being self indulgent, drawing myself with my ocs more, and im just! its such an important part of me it almost feels like I'm rejecting myself because i don't share it (not that i have to, but it's something i probably WOULD share if i felt less embarrassed about it. (´；ω；｀))
i hope i get better— and give less of a shit of what people would think about me. so i can make the things that matter, make the things that i care about!
ultimately the social media break was a good one, because im leaning away from the game, and making a lot of stuff i don't feel any obligation to share, even. which is good :)
ive been watching a lot of youtube essays today... it's kinda wild to think that we're re-circling back to being genuine and wanting to be our authentic selves. it kinda gives me hope for the future where we can live without having to tie ourselves down to algorithms or social media sites!
seeing people really discuss the new era of youtube is super encouraging to think about. i really missed the era where everybody and anybody were making videos and they did it for fun or because they wanted to make something! im happy that i might see that era return in a new and encouraging way :)
i applied for the shortbox comics fair again... this will be the third time i applied. I told myself that if i don't get it this time, im just not going to bother anymore :') obviously there's something about my work that the (same) organizer doesn't like if i got passed on three different times...
and i know that a lot of people submit, it's not indicative of anything, and it's not personal, but getting rejected thrice from the SAME event is really going to make me reconsider doing them in the future ಥ‿ಥ
it's fine to reference things or use inspiration, but letting it take over my whole headspace is something I really need to work on... (~_~;)
I really gotta stop letting what other people do dictate how I do things... it makes me overthink 'my way' and I end up not liking how it came out... keep it simple o7
i did a lot of cleaning for my comic's tumblr page :) im excited to post the queue, but I wanted to finish a few things before doing so!
thoughts...
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